Recovering from Abuse

Healing the Pain Program

2008-05-06T12:45:00.001-07:00

If you want to understand why people continue to create abusive situations in their lives, (or in yours) I recommend that you read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. You can also watch the webcast of he and Oprah discussing the book chapter by chapter. If you go to Oprah's web site you can sign up for free to participate in this ongoing event. Then you will be able to view all the discussions at your leisure.

This book explains how and why we create pain in our lives and how to stop that unconscious behavior pattern. The amount of healing I am experiencing as a direct result of reading this book and implementing its suggestions is profound. I know there is a lot of negative talk on the blogs about Eckhart Tolle, but if you read his work or watch the videos, you'll know those people are just coming from fear. They are so invested in their pain and fear that they don't want to heal.

If you want to heal yourself and your life, check this out for yourself. Then you can decide if its for you or not. Just don't let other people make that decision for you. I share this because it IS working for me.

Uploaded on authorSTREAM by JacquelineStone

I created an affirmation slide show for experiencing oneness and practicing presence. It is now available to view or download free on author Stream. If you have read or are reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" or "The Power of Now" you may get more out of it than someone who hasn't.

This is my gift to anyone who is ready to receive it. Empowerment is not just something we do for ourselves, but something we do for the benefit of all humanity, for all life.

Uploaded on authorSTREAM by JacquelineStone

You Are Wonderful!

2008-04-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

You are a worthy, wonderful human being! How often do you hear that? How often do you say it to yourself? It feels good, doesn't it? Well, it's true. You ARE wonderful. You are deserving of every good thing. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Do you know this?

Psychological and emotional abuse is more prevalent than physical abuse and the effects are longer lasting. We can get away from a physical abuser, but the words someone used to cut us down stay with us. They follow us where ever we go and into every relationship. The longer we heard how bad and unworthy we are, the more deeply ingrained in our consciousness it is. It can be difficult and time-consuming to recover from this kind of abuse, but we can heal from it.

You are a special gift to the world just waiting to be given. There is something valuable in you that only you can give. You may or may not know what it is, but it's there. It's time to realize how valuable and wonderful you are.

Many people don't know how to love. They operate from fear in all their relationships. They attack out of fear. Unfortunately, we also attack ourselves out of fear. When we treat ourselves badly, other people will, too. It comes from a deep seated belief that we are inherently bad and deserve to be treated badly. This could not be further from the truth. We are the seeds of love itself with a tremendous capacity to love others, but we don't treat others lovingly until we begin to treat ourselves lovingly.

When everyone else is gone, who do you have? You have you! You have someone who never leaves you, someone who's every breath is devoted to your care. What a wonderful person that is who loves you unconditionally! Do you have a relationship with that person? When you get to know the one person who is always with you and learn to love that person, kind and loving people will be drawn to you. Get to know your best friend and constant companion. Appreciate this devoted friend. She/he is waiting to tell you just how wonderful you are.

A New Take on Gratitude

2008-04-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

We know that we should be grateful and express our thanks, but how often do we give thanks for the things we don’t like? It may sound strange, but it is of greater value and benefit to us to give thanks for that which we dislike than it is to give thanks for the things that make us happy.

When you say “thank you” for something, you’re not resisting it, but allowing it to be. Remember, what we resist persists. What we bless, we have no resistance toward. It is our resistance to things that causes us pain, not the thing resisted, so it makes sense to want to put an end to resistance. We know we can’t stop resistance by fighting against it or willing ourselves into acceptance. Then how do we stop resisting people, things, and circumstances?

Gratitude is the beginning, but blessing is the full answer. Every one and everything that exists in our awareness is there to bless us in some way, whether we see it or not. That means that even the most unpleasant or downright painful holds a gift for us. It is not necessary to identify the gift in order to end the resentment. Just acknowledging that there is one is enough.

Think of all the things and people in your life that upset you, hurt you, or you just don’t like. List them, and then give thanks for them. Take it one step further and bless them. It may feel awkward at first, but with daily practice, this will begin to feel natural. You will find yourself resisting less and less in your life. As you do so, the things that you don’t like will cease to bother you, will transform, or will leave your life all together.

Sometimes, we all have a tendency to hold onto our anger and resentment. We’re human. It happens. How do you feel when you do that? We wish that certain people were not in our lives at all, but we know that we don’t have control over other people. We do have control over our thoughts and feelings. We can choose to stay in our anger, letting it eat away at us and make us miserable, or we can choose to change our focus. Giving thanks for our antagonists and blessing them puts an end to our resistance against them and our anger. It may take some time to completely let go of some of them, but the situation or relationship will begin to change immediately.

How much do you want to change? Do you want it bad enough to do anything? Try giving thanks for and blessing all that you dislike. You will be amazed at the results, and feel better about yourself in the process.

Injury to Asset

2008-04-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

One of the benefits of healing from abuse is the ability to help others prevent it. A friend was talking to me about her relationship, confused about the behavior of her boyfriend. Let me paint you a picture.
He has to drive her to and from work, which is 5 minutes from their apartment, (because he wants to spend more time with her). The first time she didn't want to have sex when he wanted it, he threw a fit. When she laughed and joked with the boy who was waiting on them at a restaurant, her boyfriend was furious and left her there. They've been together for 2 months.

If you have been through abuse, you know what comes next. This road only leads once place. I was able to tell my friend about my experience so she could see how abuse begins and where it leads. She could see clearly that she needs to get out now.

We also talked about our responsibility for making particular choices in men. Most of us want to be in a relationship, to have someone to share our lives with, but there may be other motivating factors behind our choices. My suggestion to any woman in this situation is to make a commitment to herself not to get involved with any man until she figures out what it is in her that is making her make bad choices in men.
Whether it is a childhood-instilled belief of deserving punishment or an unconscious belief that we can't do any better, we have to find the root cause of our choices and heal that.

My friend and I talked about self-worth and deserving happiness. We talked about learning to love ourselves and value ourselves enough that we know we deserve to be treated well. It's all about honoring ourselves with the choices we make. If we don't love ourselves, we won't honor ourselves with our choices.

I certainly never would have consciously chosen to go through violent and sexual abuse, but having been through it, I'm glad that I can draw on those experiences to help someone else avoid them. I think any experience can become an assett, if we learn from it and use that knowledge to help another.

Empowerment & Enlightenment Reaches 100!

2008-04-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

The 100th Lens in Empowerment & Enlightenment is "Knowledge Is Best Medicine" by lensmaster LilMizMo. This is a content-rich lens about personal development that I think we can all learn something from.
Monica has put a great deal of thought and effort into creating a great lens, with links to resources, appropriate photos, related products, and opportunities to participate.

The Importance Of Self Improvement
"Quite often, we all get wrapped up in our fears and insecurities, so
much so that we find ourselves wishing that we could be someone else.
When we feel like this, we start to believe that most people are better
than us, this of course is not the case and the truth is that most
people are more scared than we are."

Please stop by Monica's lens and congratulate her. You are likely to find something useful while you're there.

Lensmaster jasmineann submitted a great lens that most of us can benefit from. She receives an honorable mention as lens #101.

Check out her lens list and be sure to visit "Back Pain Relief Without Pain."

"Are you a back pain sufferer and seeking back pain relief? Do you have a bad back, herniated disc, back pain, or sciatic pain? Looking for straightforward suggestions to help cope with back issues?"

Conscious Change

2008-04-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

Conscious Change is a beautiful, inspiring lens on Squidoo.com. Conscious Change is also a wikizine on Zimbio. Both are the webchild of Conscious Change International and its founder, Jacqueline Stone.

Conscious Change on Squidoo contains many inspiring and uplifting images, as well as insightful articles. You can vote in polls, participate in discussions, learn some powerful meditations, and find great resources.

Conscious Change on Zimbio is a wikizine, (just think Wikipedia, but magazine), with an extensive photo album, a huge collection of videos, fun polls, and informative articles. Viewers can add articles, photos, and videos, as well as leave comments.

Understanding Leads to Freedom

2008-04-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

Many times, when we are in a victim mentality we don't consider the pain that our abuser has been through. Please don't misunderstand. I am not condoning abuse in any form. However, if we can understand the abuser it will be easier for us to let go and move on.

My ex-husband was raised by violently abusive alcoholic parents. The example of marriage that he learned as a child was constant arguing, throwing things, and hitting. His parents traded insults as well as blows. His father was controlling, possessive, and dictatorial. This was what he knew of marriage. In his own marriage, he imitated his parents.

The other factor I had to look at was his pain. He was rejected and manipulated by his parents, then abandoned. Nothing he ever did was good enough. He failed at everything he did, in spite of his intelligence and talent. My ex-husband had no coping skills to help him deal with daily life. Every situation that any kind of emotional depth was frightening and confusing to him. Unfortunately, he thought counseling was for wimps.

This doesn't excuse his behavior but it does explain it. It also gives me the opportunity to recognise certain potential problems in other men. I am now armed with considerable knowledge of the signs or indicators of an abusive person. I no longer hate, despise, resent, or fear my ex-husband. Nor do I fear other men, because I can spot the dangerous ones and keep my distance from them.

It is my choice to live without victim-consciousness and without fear. Understanding abusers is one of the ways I got here. They are not the devil incarnate; they are wounded children that never grew up. We just have to learn not to play with them.

When Wisdom Fails

2008-04-02T13:42:00.001-07:00

What do we do when life gets rough and our normal wisdom fails us? I had the opportunity to find out when sudden drama threw me out of balance. There wasn’t time to stop and think or to consciously, deliberately choose my reaction. I could have handled it better, but I got to see why I repeat, over and over again, the tools I have for changing my consciousness.

Like most people, I had a lifetime of false beliefs and negative programming before I learned that I can create myself and my life the way I choose them to be. Habits, reactions, and thought patterns were well established, most of them dis-empowering. While I have made tremendous progress in changing them, it will take time to replace them all.

When everything suddenly went terribly wrong, some of my new programming was strong enough to help me avoid some mistakes. The mistakes I did make showed me where I have more work to do. I had to take a brutally honest look at some of my character defects and trace them back to the original hurt and fear that spawned them. It wasn’t fun and it wasn’t pretty, but that’s the healing process. If I can’t be completely honest with myself, then I lose the opportunity to heal the wounds that still cause me to react negatively.

Sometimes I get bored with my daily practices or think that I’ve done them long enough and don’t need to use them anymore. If I acted on those feelings by stopping my practices, I would halt my growth and most likely revert back to my previous programming. All the effort up to now would then be wasted. I just can’t do that. I’ve come too far to quit now.

I am pushing up the last stretch of the mountain. This is the hardest part and progress sometimes feels slow. The peak is within site, but not close enough to see over the top. If I give up now, I will never know what is on the other side. I will never know what my life could have been. I’ll keep pushing. Even small steps forward will bring me closer to what’s on the other side of the mountain top. I want to be standing there, looking out over a vast, incredible, boundless world; the world that is my new life. I hope I’ll see you there. 

Beyond Acceptance

2008-03-31T13:04:00.000-07:00

Its been said that acceptance is the key to all our problems, but what does that really mean? How are we supposed to accept everything? Does that mean that we don’t ever fight against of for anything? Are we to be doormats, letting others take advantage of us, in order to be at peace? No, I don’t think that’s how it works.

Acceptance is the opposite of resistance, but it is not giving in to injustice or giving up on creating change. In fact, we can’t change anything until we accept the way it is as what is. With acceptance, we can say, “This is the way it is. I don’t like it or think its right, so I’m going to change it.” While we are in resistance, fighting against what is, our mind and energy is languishing in the problem. No problem can be resolved with the same energy that created it, so we need to get out of the problem. That doesn’t mean that we ignore it and hope that it goes away. It doesn’t mean that we pretend the problem doesn’t exist. That’s avoidance, not acceptance.

When we accept a condition as being what it is, we have the opportunity to turn our attention to possible solutions. Some times, its not a matter of solving a problem, but of learning from the unfavorable condition. Our greatest strides in personal growth often come through our greatest challenges. While we struggle against the challenge, unable to accept it, we prolong the condition and delay our blessing. There is always a blessing at the end of the challenge, but we can only get to the blessing, the gift, when we accept the challenge and start looking for how we can benefit from it.

Getting to the point of acceptance of what is is a great beginning, but we need to go further. We’re not talking about begrudging acceptance here. We need to get to joyful acceptance. In order to do that, we must believe that there is something good in all that is happening. Now lets take it one step further. True acceptance includes blessing all that is, as it is. Bless the gift, even when you can’t see a gift in the situation. It is there, but we often don’t perceive the blessing until after we have overcome the challenge. Give thanks for that blessing now. Bless the situation, as it is, knowing that it will in some way bless you.

When you bless what is, you cease to resist it; you cease to judge it. At that point, you can gracefully move through it fairly quickly. When you bless a situation or condition, you are immediately empowered to change it because you are no longer fighting against it. You don’t have to know what the blessing in it is to bless something. Just believing in your heart and mind that there is indeed a gift in it is enough to release you from judgment and resistance.

Try blessing your struggles. Bless your relationships. Bless your job and co-workers. Bless the traffic. Just try it and see what happens. Watch how you feel. Then you can decide how you want to react to the conditions in your life.

Choosing Freedom

2008-03-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

Resentment: Burden and Barrier
I know that I am supposed to forgive everyone everything because resentment only hurts the one who holds it. That is so much easier said than done. One of the disciples asked Jesus, “Lord, how many times should I forgive? Seven times?” Jesus told him to forgive 70 times 7. The point was not the number, but that we should continue to forgive without limits. That reminds me of an old saying, “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” I don’t know who said it or what he was referring to. It does express how I feel about total, unconditional, unlimited forgiveness. Am I, as a mere mortal, even capable of it? I don’t think God expects of us anything that we are not capable of, so it must be possible for me to forgive unconditionally, without limit.

There are many processes and practices for forgiving those who have hurt us, and to forgive ourselves. I have personally used several of them. The problem is that I continue to resent certain people, and it is my problem. I can easily justify all of them, if I choose to. I can decide to keep and simmer in my justified resentments because they are mine. That doesn’t sound like a very wise choice, does it? Resentment weighs on us like a backpack full of rocks. It also prevents us from receiving the good that we desire. That is worth repeating. Resentment is a barrier that prevents us from receiving the good we desire.

When we hold resentments in our heart and mind, our hearts are blocked from receiving. It’s like the mote around a castle that prevents anyone from coming in, or the walls around a fortress. Resentment is a darkness that thrives only in the presence of negative thoughts and emotions. We feed it when we think of our anger and judgment toward others. The more we nourish the dark energy of resentment with our negative thoughts about others, the bigger it gets. The wall between us and our good becomes an impenetrable force. Joy does not live in this environment.

O.K. We understand that resentment is bad for us. Now, what do we do about it? I believe I need to search my heart for my negative feelings toward others. I need to decide that I am done being angry. I have to make a conscious choice to let go of my resentments and judgments. Not just once, but daily. I have had 47 years of practice at holding onto and justifying resentments and I’ve gotten really good at it. It is an unconscious, automatic behavior. It will take more than a few days or weeks to correct this behavior. I have to pay attention to my thoughts about others and stop judgment in its tracks. If I can stop the judgment, I can prevent the resentment and subsequent justification.

In the process of changing this destructive, limiting behavior, I have to be diligent, yet gentle with myself. It will do me no good to forgive everyone else but not myself. With all that I am, I want to change. I want it so much that I am willing to do whatever it takes. The clarity to understand what I am doing to myself with judgment and resentment is a gift. It is the opportunity I needed to make real, lasting change. Now, it is up to me to practice forgiveness and release every day. This has to be a top priority if I am going to be free from this burden.

Ho’Oponopono is one of the best practices for forgiveness. I used it for a while when I first learned about it, but it became a chore and I stopped doing it. One day, I didn’t feel like forgiving someone and resentment got a foothold. After a few days of not feeling like forgiving, I stopped my daily practice. I was once again a prisoner of resentment, judgment, and justification. My attitude toward my practice of daily forgiveness has to remain positive so that I continue to do it. Even when I don’t feel like forgiving someone, especially when I don’t feel like it, I must practice forgiveness everyday. I have to remember why I’m doing it. I want to be free. I want to live in joy, not anger or bitterness. I want to be free from the burden and open enough that joy comes easily and naturally. Do I want that joy and freedom bad enough to do whatever it takes? Yes, I do!

The Chains of Judgment

2008-03-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

Bondage By Judgment
When someone has hurt us, or someone we love, it’s easy to judge that person as bad, mean, or even evil. This may be a normal reaction, but it is not a healthy one. Our judgment of others binds us to them with invisible chains that time and distance cannot break. Those chains are built with anger, resentment, regret, blame, and fear. These are very powerful emotions that can eat away at us from the inside out.

As we make an effort to become more peaceful, joyful, and free, we know that we must let go of judgment; but how? Fighting against anything only ties it more tightly to us. Telling ourselves not to do a thing makes us think of it even more. Negative feelings cannot be changed by thinking about negative feelings. The key is conscious replacement of what we think and feel.

In order to free ourselves of the chains of judgment, and other negative states of heart and mind, we must turn our attention to that which heals. Unconditional love is the highest state we can reach for, but it may be difficult for most of us to attain right away. There are steps we can take to get there that will heal us along the way. Gratitude is a great place to start. The more we focus on what we are grateful for, the less we will think of what disturbs us. Joy is a healthy place to be and the best place to create from and gratitude can get us to joy.

Another benefit of gratitude is the increase in our awareness of things to be grateful for. By giving thanks, our attention is drawn to more and more of the things that bless our life. As our ability to appreciate increases, our ability to forgive and let go of what does not bless us also increases. Joy, love, and gratitude become our natural state. We begin to feel freer and lighter because we have stopped dwelling on and holding onto perceived injustices against us. The chains of judgment will fall away as we neglect them in favor of seeking out the good in all things.

Turn away from that which hurts you, limits you, and keeps you in bondage. Turn instead to light, to joy, to beauty, and to love. Keep your heart in gratitude and you will be free.

Off Center, In Focus

2008-03-07T13:16:00.000-08:00

My recent struggles have provided a great opportunity to see where I still need to grow. I realized that I still have "not-good-enough-itis." Guilt crept up on me, reminding me of what I was told for so long by the people I loved, "You are always wrong. It's all your fault. You should be ashamed of yourself." The old tapes were still there, even after all my efforts to change my beliefs about myself.

It took a great deal of conscious effort and diligence to catch and stop those tapes. Whether I felt like it or not, I had to replace them with what I now choose to believe. I am a wonderful, worthy human being. I am intelligent and I do make wise choices. Making mistakes does not make me a bad person, just human.

The progress I have made in changing my beliefs showed in my absolute refusal to accept bad treatment. I knew that I did not deserve it and did not have to take it. It was never easy for me before to set healthy boundaries, but now I feel comfortable and confident in stating what I will and will not allow.

It is my responsibility to choose how I feel and how I react to whatever comes up in my life. I am getting better at making choices that honor and nurture me. When I feel off center, out of harmony, I take charge of my thoughts and direct them to that which inspires joy and gratitude. Sometimes, its harder than others, but doing this has made a tremendous difference in my life. When bad days come, I am getting back on track quicker and more easily. My daily practices that bring my attention to gratitude, joy, and self-love are paying off. I feel better about myself than I ever have before. The work is definitely worth it.

Self-Help Books Plexo, from Squidoo

2008-03-05T08:26:00.000-08:00

Click through to see the plexo

Simple Love Meditation

2008-02-15T07:31:00.000-08:00

The following is a meditation that fills me with the vibration of love, sends the energy of love outward to everyone and everything, and expands my awareness of oneness. It takes 5-10 minutes to go through the whole process, but the healing affects go with you through your day. It is very powerful, as well as simple.

Visualize white light in your heart. The white light expands with each part or area loved, until it fills the entire universe.

Thank you, God, that I am love. All that I am, I love you. All that I have been, I love you. All that I will be, I love you. My heart, I love you. My emotions, I love you. My mind, I love you. My thoughts, I love you. My unconscious, I love you. My body, I love you. My chakras, I love you. My higher self, I love you. My soul, I love you. My spirit, I love you. Thank you, God, that I am love. The space around me, I love you. My home, I love you. My neighborhood, I love you. My town, I love you. My county, I love you. My state, I love you. My nation, I love you. My continent, I love you. My world, I love you. Thank you, God, that I am love. Planet Earth, I love you. My solar system, I love you. My galaxy, I love you. My universe, I love you. All that is, I love you. Thank you, God, that I am love.

This is a tremendous gift to the world that we can give daily. The energy of love heals everything it touches. The healing we experience when doing this meditation is indescribable. It makes us more aware of the truth of our being and increases our awareness of oneness. All of our relationships are transformed by doing this simple meditation.

May you know that you are love and light.
Jstone

Back on Track

2008-02-15T07:05:00.000-08:00

This past week, I have worked daily on forgiveness and reclaiming peace. I had to remind myself that everyone really does the best they can with what they know and where they are in consciousness. Including me. It would have been very easy to stay in anger and resentment, but that would only prolong my discomfort. That's a way of letting another person or a situation have power over me. If I want to be happy, I have to take responsibility for my emotions and make the effort to change them.

The little things I do each day that don't seem to be very important are what have helped me get back on track. Sometimes we get too busy to pray or meditate. We don't feel like reading or writing in a gratitude journal. Intentions may seem pointless. But it is the daily practice of these things that gives us the foundation to weather the storms that come in life. Choosing the person I want to be and claiming those characteristics out loud is helping me become more and more how I want to be. When I slip back into old habits of negative reactions, I now have the awareness to say, "Wait a minute. This is not how I choose to be." The old patterns catch my attention, instead of being completely unconscious. Awareness is the key to change.

Today, I am choosing not be in judgment or resentment. The results of the All-State Academic Team judging came in. 95% of the First Team winners are from the county where the judges are. I made second team, but so did the only two students with a 4.0 GPA and the president of Phi Theta Kappa. It is a big accomplishment for a dyslexic highschool drop-out, but everybody likes to come in first. Next week I get a letter from the governor, a medal, and a check at a banquet for all the winners. I intend to enjoy it without resentment towards the obviously biased judges.

It is good to be back to myself again. Taking responsibility for my feelings has been empowering for me, in every area of my life. Thank you to all the people who have expressed support and compassion. You brighten my day and re-awaken my heart. :)
Jacqueline

Self-Defense

2008-02-08T07:27:00.000-08:00

Last night, my husband's oldest daughter tried to attack me. The self-defense training I had a few years ago kicked in and I was able to subdue her without hurting her. It was a shocking experience, but I was grateful that I had the training. I never thought I'd have to use it on a family member.

The fact is, more people are attacked by familly members than by strangers. I think every woman should get self-defense training, because it is generally not in our nature to fight. We hope that we will never have to use it, but if we need it, we need to know what to do. I haven't thought about self-defense for 3 years, but I instinctively knew what to do because of the 1 week training I had.

Today, I have to work on forgiveness and releasing resentments. What I feel right now is not good for me. It is keeping me from joy and gratitude. Its up to me to redirect my thoughts and feelings to a healthier focus. I am divorcing my husband, and his kids, but we have to live together today, in peace. My husband is not a violent man. We get along very well. In fact, he came home from work to set his daughter straight last night. He handled the situation much better than I could. His children resent their natural mother because she abandoned them and they are taking it out on me. I don't deserve it. I am leaving them, with my own 2 children, to live a better way. I have done everything I can for them, but they don't want to heal. They want their anger. I can't live that way.

Now, I need to work on my own state of heart and mind.
Jstone

Raise Your Vibration, Change Your Life

2008-02-04T09:12:00.000-08:00

We know that we do not want to create abusive situations or relationships again. That means we have to change something in us. We no longer want to be the kind of person that attracts abusive people. I invite you to learn from my friend, Julia, how to raise your vibration and change your life. She has created a technique that is both simple and powerful.

Why is this important? Our rate of vibration moves energy all around us and that energy responds to us according to our vibration. Like attracts like. If we are in a low vibration, like anger, depression, and fear, then we are attracting to us more to feel that way about. If you want to change your life, you need to be aware of your vibration. We need to raise our vibration to the highest frequency that we are capable of and make the effort to keep it there. Julia can show you how.

The Step-By-Step Frequency Raising System is a vibrational management tool that provides a sure-fire method for going from lower vibrational frequency, with its pain, turmoil and diminished wisdom, to higher vibrational frequency, where joy, peace, clarity and higher wisdom are your experience.

If you apply the steps, you will absolutely move upward into the realm of joy from wherever you are in consciousness. Sometimes this can happen quite rapidly; other times, it takes longer. But, it always works. Be sure not to skip Step 3--having a good "#3" is crucial to your success!

This system was given to me as the answer to a prayer and it has worked for me countless times, as well as for multitudes of others who have discovered it.

--Julia Rogers Hamrick

Vibrate with love, joy, and gratitude, and you will create the life of your dreams.
Jstone

Even Good Goodbyes Can Hurt

2008-01-27T16:20:00.000-08:00

Letting go and moving on from something that doesn’t work is a good thing, but that doesn’t make it easy. Shared time and shared experience create bonds in the heart and mind. Even when we know that moving on is the best thing for all concerned, it can still be hard to say goodbye.

I told my husband that I want a divorce. “Irreconcilable differences” is the best way to describe our situation. We went to counseling. We communicated. We tried to change things (and by “we”, I mean “mostly me”). After four years of daily misery, I am done. I made it clear to my husband in November that I am leaving as soon as he graduates, in April. He didn’t like it, but he is wise enough not to try to hold on to someone who doesn’t want him. He loves me, but not enough to change anything. I won’t go into all the details. If I told you everything, you would ask why I waited so long to leave.

Well, as soon as I told him that my decision about divorce is final, he went out shopping for a girlfriend. He was at least honest with me that he has to have someone to take care of his kids. (My husband had three kids when we met). They met their future mom today and got a ride home with grandma so he can stay with his girlfriend.

We have talked about the next woman. I know a little about her and their plans. I am really OK with it because I don’t want to live with him, raise his children for him, or be his servant any more. Right now though, it hurts. I talked to myself while I stripped the sheets off the bed, (our bed), to wash them. “I don’t love him. I don’t want to live with him. I want this divorce. So, why am I feeling this way?” My heart is heavy and I feel like singing sad songs. The truth is, it hurts.

There, I said it. It hurts to think of my husband with another woman. We have an amazing history together that has created a bond like people who go through tragedy together. We overcame and accomplished a great deal together. Once the battles were over, there was just he and I, relating to each other as a man and a woman. We didn’t get along because we are not compatible. Our interests, goals, dreams, and beliefs are very different.

From this relationship, I am moving on to an incredible, fulfilling life. My dreams are in my hand. I have every reason to jump in with both feet, holding nothing back, but my joy and excitement are subdued by a little bit of grief for what is dying. A chapter of my life is ending, probably the most powerful, victorious, transforming chapter of my life. I did love my husband what now seems like so long ago. I guess it’s just sad when love dies.

In all honesty, I think I am also a little afraid of being lonely, of meeting jerks, and of falling in love again, and being vulnerable. I like my solitude, but eventually I will want someone to share my life with again. You won’t believe what song just started playing…”End of the Road” by Boyz II Men. The chorus has a line, “It’s unnatural. You belong to me. I belong to you.” I think that’s the heart of the matter. We got comfortable with the idea that I belong to him and he belongs to me. That was our status quo. Now, he belongs to someone else. I wish them happiness.

If you can relate to this, please leave a comment.
Jstone

False Responsibility

2008-01-24T07:07:00.000-08:00

As I began to take full responsibility for everything in my life, I discovered a common stumble. Many times, we take on responsibility for things that are not ours. I spent most of my life thinking that I had to make other people happy. The fact is, I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. More than that, I don’t have the right to try to make anyone anything.

How I feel, think, speak, act, and react is my responsibility. Those are the things I can choose and change. What happened in my past is my responsibility only as far as how I acted and reacted. I am not responsible for the way others acted or how they reacted to me. I can’t control other people and its not my place to even try. All it does is create stress and conflict.

The state of the world is not my responsibility either, but how I react to what I perceive is. Even what I perceive about the world at large is up to me. I can choose to see the worst in it or I can choose to look for the good. The more I look for good, the more I will see it. When I see injustice or harm, it is up to me to do something about it. I could, of course, choose not to do anything about it, but then I am responsible for it not changing.

Carrying only what is mine,
Jstone

Healing Radio

2008-01-19T17:32:00.001-08:00

Hay House Radio is available 24/7 and offers regular programs and special interviews with great spiritual teachers. You can also listen to archived programs. There is no charge to listen. Wayne Dyer has a regular show on Mondays. Check out the extensive list and I’m sure you will find your favorites.

Self-Love is the First Step to Lasting Change

2008-01-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

This article is shared with love by Dr. Annette Colby.

Do you love yourself? Or, would it be closer to the truth to say that you are your own worst enemy? Self-love means to regard yourself with respect, to recognize and value yourself, and to appreciate your life.
Self-love is the process of breaking free of the need to gain others approval and instead gaining your own. It involves letting go of the paranoia of what other people think of you, or the desperate need to be liked. You see yourself as worthy of expressing your own preferences and opinions, regardless of what others think.
Some benefits of self-love include feeling good about yourself, dropping the need to be reliant on others approval for self-validation, freedom from binge or compulsive eating or other addictive behaviors, the courage to pursue your dreams, and freedom from depression or despair.
As you can see, gaining self-love sets the foundation for a happy, fulfilling life. But, what if you currently lack confidence in yourself? Read these insights and discover new ways to promote your own well-being and raise your love of self.
Self-Love Checklist
Before you can begin to raise your level of self-love, it helps to know that self-love does not happen by luck or magic. Instead, you have to create it. Self-love is an active state that expands through specific thoughts, actions, and behaviors. Read the list below and check the many different ways that you can take action and increase your level of self-love.
____ I do things which nurture, strengthen, and comfort my body.
____ I honor who I am becoming, recognizing that I am constantly evolving.
____ I accept my vulnerable feelings like sadness, fear, and mistakes.
____ I'm responsible to bring myself back to a state of feeling good.
____ I look in the mirror and notice my whole being.
____ I comfort myself with positive thoughts.
____ I recognize my efforts and achievements.
____ I use healthy activities (exercise, hobbies, friendships) when I need comfort.
____ I share my true feelings with others.
____ I express my anger in healthy ways.
____ I assert my needs and ask for what I want.
____ I recognize and value my need for solitude and alone time.
____ I recognize and value my need for fun and light heartedness.
____ I am generous with praise towards myself.
____ When I make errors, I am responsible instead of guilty.
____ When I make errors, I forgive myself.
____ I pursue and maintain friendships with others.
Empowering Questions to Raise Your Level of Self-Love
To raise your level of self-love consider asking yourself questions that lead you in that direction. The following questions empower you to make choices that create joy and success instead of pain and suffering. You have the power to choose the direction of your life.
• Do I use my intuition with myself?
• When I feel emotional, do I explore deeper to understand what I would need to feel better?
• Do I give myself what I need to feel better?
• Am I kind to myself?
• What is good in my life?
• What in my life do I most enjoy?
• What stimulates me?
• What's missing in my life - and what can I do about it?
• What can I do to add more joy into my life today?
• Do I follow through doing what I say I am going to do?
• What is my preference, and do I let people know my preference?
• What can I do to feel happier right now?
Imagine a future in which you totally love yourself. Imagine being powerful and responsible for your life. Remember, self-love doesn't happen by luck alone. Follow these tips to create a healthy self-love and reenergize your commitment to happiness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Annette Colby, RD can help you take the pain out of life, turn difficult emotions into joy, release stress, end emotional eating, and move beyond depression into an extraordinary life! Annette is the author of Your Highest Potential and has the unique ability to show you how to spark an amazing relationship with your life! Visit http://www.LovingMiracles.com to access hundreds of content filled articles and sign up for a Free subscription to Loving Miracles! newsletter.

Annette is a wonderful woman who's passion is helping others. I encourage you to check out her web site. You'll be glad you did.
Jstone

Help! What Do You Want to See?

2008-01-16T06:35:00.000-08:00

I am reaching out to all of you so that I can better serve the readers of this blog. I started using AdSense to make a few dollars to keep things going, but they can't seem to get relevant ads on here. My question to you is, "What kind of ads would be useful to you?"

What do you need that you would like to find here? Most of us no longer need a domestic crisis shelter and have long since divorced our abuser. How do you feel about ads for online colleges? I know for my education, it was more practical to find a loval community college that also offers online classes, but some people don't have that available in their area.

Would you be interested in ads for counseling? What about seminars for personal growth, books, and CD sets or personal coaching? Does anybody need help with starting a business? I'm just throwing ideas out there. I really need your input to make this work. Google crawls the page and selects ads they think are appropriate for the content, but I really don't want to put the words, "domestic violence, abuse, and victim" in every post.

Thanks for your help, everyone. You are the reason I do this. :)
Jstone

Where I was

2008-01-13T16:14:00.000-08:00

I found this old journal entry from a while back. It was amazing to see where I was and how far I’ve come. It made me appreciate where I am today.

I have been so closed off, afraid to reach beyond my borders, afraid some one will see…me. I have pulled in, like a hermit crab that has outgrown his shell. Trying to hide from the world, lest it judge me. The verdict will certainly be… not good enough. I have been afraid to sing out, to open my mouth and my spirit to say who I am, how I feel, and what I want. What if I offend? What if I make someone angry? I have been so hurt by exposure that I galvanized my outer edges and built titanium barriers around my heart. In the process, I lost the ability to feel life. I could not feel love, joy, happiness, hope, nothing. The funny thing is, I could still feel the hurt, the sting, the soreness. The pain hasn’t gone away. I locked it all inside with me, with my tender, torn, and beaten heart. My only companion for all these years has been my pain. At least that is one thing that was always mine. No one could judge it. No one could diminish it. No one could take it away. The one thing I have been sure of is my pain.

Today, I sang. I sang loudly. At first, it was as if I didn’t know how to sing out loud. Then, I realized how unfamiliar it was. It had been more than15 years since I felt safe enough to really sing. Since that time, I always held back. I always monitored my voice, and never allowed myself to invest any emotion in my singing. If I did, I always cried, and stopped singing. I get the message now. I was crying when I sang because my spirit so wanted to sing out with the full emotion of my heart, without restriction.

That is the story of my life. I got hurt early on and started holding myself back, investing less and less of myself in everything I did and every relationship. The distance I have unwittingly put between myself and the people in my life has made me feel empty, lonely-which I deny really well-and like a third-party observer, not a participant. I cannot feel the love that my husband, my children, my sister, and my friends have for me. I love, but it is more like appreciation. I don’t feel love. When I hold my 3-year-old son, I feel a depth of gratitude. I know I love him. I tell him I love him. But I don’t really feel it. He loves me so very much. No matter how much I want to, I cannot receive his love, though I am deeply grateful for it.

I remember when I was a little girl listening to music with my best friend. It was so liberating to sing and dance. It was a wonderful escape from the world. I felt so completely free. My heart and spirit poured out freely and joyfully. Then my trust was crushed by my “friends” and my mother. From that moment on, music was my private healer. I sang only for my own comfort and only in private. I still lost myself in the music and felt momentarily freed from the pain in my life. It was an intimate, safe harbor in the midst of a sea of fear and pain. Even then, in my teens, involuntary tears would stream down my face as I sang. It was cleansing. I never knew what was making me cry, but I always felt better afterward.

For many years, I have not listened to the songs I loved in the past because they brought back memories and hurts of the past. Now when I hear them again, I remember who I was, how I felt, what I wanted, what I was doing, and what I feared. It seems a lifetime ago. I can see how each stage of my life had its joys, its hopes and dreams, and its out-of-the-blue disasters. I was never able to reach out fully and grab hold of what I wanted. I always held back. They say, “You can’t steal second with one foot on first.” That’s what I have been doing my whole life. One foot in fear and one in hope, daring to dream, yet clinging to my fortress walls. That hope, so many times, has felt like I was hanging on by a thread to sanity and life itself. Giving up has never been an option. It is not in me to quit. I had to keep going, keep moving, keep doing. It just had to get better. I just could not accept that life could be nothing but pain, suffering, disappointment, frustration, and failure. Something inside me told me that this was just not true. Yet all around me, that’s all I saw.

Shame. That’s where it all comes from. Shame. Now, that’s a touchy subject. The seeds of it go back beyond my memory, even beyond the blackness that keeps my childhood from me. I have no recollection of the beginning of my sense of shame. I know my mother did not want to have me. The stigma of abortion in the early sixties may have saved my life. I always thought I was an unwanted burden on my parents. My older sister made it clear from the beginning until adulthood that she did not like me or want me around. I was a disappointment to my parents in school. I was chubby, awkward, and excruciatingly shy. I was afraid of everyone and everything. I found my solace in the woods, walking paths to nowhere, watching red-winged blackbirds light on monstrous cattail stalks. The onset of night was always a relief. In the darkness and silence, when the world was at rest, I was safe. My heart reached up to the distant stars and I wondered who left me here, why, and how could I get back home. This world seemed so foreign to me. I never felt like I belonged here. I definitely did not fit in with my family. I was an outsider in my own home, and at school too. The loneliness pierced my soul. It still does. Only now, I have such tall, thick, wide, impenetrable barriers around my heart and soul that I rarely feel it. I tried to fill the emptiness inside me in many ways.

First it was exercise, then men, then alcohol, drugs, different men, work, TV, various studies, anything to make me feel happy, or not feel at all. Finally, going to church, reading the Bible, and praying made me feel something good inside. I had a deep yearning to know God, not just to worship God. I wanted an intimate, personal relationship with my Source and creator. I didn’t want alcohol anymore. The drugs only worked for a few months. I had enough of men. Exercise and strict eating lost its luster long ago. Over-eating only brought temporary joy, followed by guilt and regret. Smoking eased my nerves, but certainly didn’t fill the void. Praying for others made me feel good. It gave me a sense of connection to others. Forgiveness brought some healing and made me feel like a better person. There were some answers to my questions of life in the Bible, as well as guidance in relationships, service, and conduct. The problem with finding God was that I also found myself, and I didn’t like what I found. Looking at myself and my life was difficult and painful. I had to take it in steps and stages.

Self-discovery began with a commitment to heal the source of all my pain and sadness, and a great deal of trepidation. So much of my life had been buried in a cavern of eternal darkness. The search for the truth began with the people in my life and pivotal events. Regrets and resentments were so much easier to remember than successes or happy times. Each memory revealed another. Fears were layered upon fears, hidden by blankets of guilt, regret, and shame. Feelings of failure were everywhere. I did not live the life I thought I lived. I was not the person I thought I was. For most of my life, I was not a person at all. I was a walking, breathing bundle of fear and pain. How I touched anyone’s life in a positive way is beyond me. That I survived over 40 years is downright miraculous. Yet, here I am, a person, participating in life for the first time. Finding out who I am, what is true of me, and what is not. There is more of what is not true that is visible now than what is true, but I am making progress. A light glows inside me, like a candle in a distant window, guiding me to the truth. I know God is there. I know love is there. I know who I really am is there, in brilliance, in grace, and in perfect, radiant truth. Day by day, I unravel the fallacy of my life to reveal more of the wholeness, harmony, and beauty that it was meant to be.

Standing in the rubble of broken barriers, finally feeling the sun,
Jacqueline

Feeding the Mind

2008-01-10T07:25:00.000-08:00

We all know that what we put into our bodies directly affects how our bodies feel and work. The same is true for our minds. What are you putting into your mind? Are you letting other people determine your experience of life by planting thoughts in your mind? You are, if you are watching a lot of TV and movies.

What kind of music do you listen to? Does it uplift and inspire you? Does it inspire joy? If your music is full of anger and violence, then your mind will be also. If your input from TV and movies is full of negativity, sadness, pain, and frustration, then your mind will be also. Similar to a computer, what we put into our minds determines what comes out of them.

What you accept in your mind, you allow or create in your reality. Guard your thoughts. Take full responsibility for what goes into your mind. Select with care what you listen to and what you watch. Feed your mind and your spirit that which supports you, encourages you, and inspires you. This is not to say that we should ignore everything that is going on in the world. We need to be aware, but we do not need to be immersed in depressing news and images. Take care that you do not allow the reality that other people are creating to determine your reality. By being selective with our thoughts and what we feed our minds, we not only change our own reality, but the collective reality as well.

Choose your thoughts and change your world.
Jstone

Unrelenting Guilt

2008-01-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

When I was still with my ex-husband, I always felt guilty. I didn’t always know what I was guilty of, but the feeling was always there. Sometimes, I didn’t clean well enough, I forgot something, I came home from work a few minutes late, or I didn’t make dinner correctly. One night, I was cooking dinner and my husband insisted that I sit down and watch TV with him. The chicken burned and he blamed me. I got a beating for ruining his dinner. Logically, I knew that it was not my fault, but I still felt guilty for it.

After the divorce, I still questioned everything I did. I was a perfectionist because I didn’t want to bear the guilt of not doing something correctly. No matter what I did well, I had been conditioned to look at where I failed. The guilt was like a black hole in the center of my being.

This condition had to stop. I was finally free from oppression, but it didn’t feel like freedom. I was now keeping myself prisoner in the shameful feelings I developed while married. I couldn’t blame him any more. I was doing it to myself, but I did not know how to stop. Forgiving him was easier than forgiving myself.

The key to my healing was knowledge. I learned about the cycle of abuse; particularly how it begins. So many people went through the same thing long before I did and their stories gave me comfort. I learned that I was not an idiot; I was just fooled. Understanding how it happened and how and why it progressed set me free from the guilt. I was not a bad wife in any respect. There was nothing I could have done better or differently to prevent the abuse. My ex-husband was going to abuse his wife no matter who she was or how good a wife she was. It wasn’t even my fault for getting involved with him in the first place because there were no signs. He gave no indication of a violent streak until after we were married, and we were engaged for two years. There was no way for me to know what was going to happen, so I did not do anything wrong.

This knowledge is what released me from guilt. It has never returned. It took several more years to heal regret and resentment, but those too are gone now. We can heal from abuse and getting rid of guilt is a big part of it. No one deserves abuse. No one earns it. No one “has it coming.”

You are not at fault. You are not to blame. You have nothing to feel guilty for.
With love,
Jstone