A great deal of our social programming works at turning us all into people-pleasing, insecure, doormats. I’ve worked really hard to derail that programming in myself, but now I’m seeing it in my son.
He’s eight years old and a very loving, compassionate little boy. He wants everybody to be happy. Unfortunately, he goes to public school with kids who come from dysfunctional and abusive families and they see him as an easy target. Don’t get me wrong, my son can defend himself when he really needs to, but most of the time he doesn’t.
Aside from being punished at school for defending himself, my son has learned that no one there will support him in stopping bullies. They just tell the kids not to do it again and the kids keep right on bullying. It seems like a hopeless situation for a child.
Like any child, my son also wants to be liked by the other kids. Some of the bullies consider abusive behavior part of playing. It’s what they experience at home so they think it’s normal. They only want to be friends with kids they can hit, kick, and push around. My son picked up on that fact pretty quickly.
It breaks my heart every time I hear another story about a boy hurting my son and he says, “But he’s my friend.” How can I get through to him that friends don’t treat you that way? I’ve tried teaching my kids by example how friends treat each other. I constantly remind them that no one has the right to put their hands on them or hurt them. I tell them they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
The sad truth is that many of our social institutions send constant messages that we have to take what is being dished out and not complain about it. We’re supposed to turn the other cheek, look the other way, don’t take it personally, and get over it. How on earth is a child supposed to learn to be a kind and respectful adult with this kind of programming? No wonder so many people think that being a nice person means being a victim, or at the very least a doormat.
4 comments:
Love this post Jaq, wonderful
Thank you, Ben. I just wish I didn't have stuff like this to write about.
Jaq reminds me of how grew up.
Ben
Yes, it definitely reminds me of how I grew up. Thinking back of how some of 'my friends' treated me. Your sons statement but they're my friends sounds like he thinks he is getting something positive out of the relationship. He just need a way to find a way to get that without all the negative. I would suggest some sort of club or activity, music, sports, etc. where he can find new friends then it may be easier for him to let the old abusive ones go.
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