Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Drinking the Poison of Resentment
As I was doing some forgiveness work, I realized that I began resenting my husband at the same time that I became pregnant. It had nothing to do with the pregnancy, but with his impulsive irresponsibility with money and with taking advantage of me. Both behaviors developed into a pattern that continued until recently even though he moved out a year and a half ago.
My husband didn’t change. He was always that way, but I didn’t begin to see it until resentment hardened my heart and caused the rosy glow of love to fade. It wasn’t my husband that ruined our marriage. It was my resentment. The first few things I resented him for turned my attention away from what I loved about him and focused instead on his faults. The more I looked for them, the more I found.
What a humbling experience it was to realize that I was not at all the victim of a selfish, discompassionate man, but rather of my own self-righteous resentment. Wow! Talk about bruising the ego! It also reminded me how vitally important forgiveness is. The sooner we do it the better. Things that happened early in our marriage ate away at me for years, stealing life energy and blinding me to things that might have brought me joy.
Although I’ve already done a lot of work with forgiveness there are still resentments that need to go. They seem to have been layered one on top of another, making it hard to see the deep ones until the more recent ones are cleared. Its amazing now to look back and see how bitter I had become. No wonder I was so miserable. I was drinking daily doses of the poison called resentment.