Choosing Freedom

Resentment: Burden and Barrier
I know that I am supposed to forgive everyone everything because resentment only hurts the one who holds it. That is so much easier said than done. One of the disciples asked Jesus, “Lord, how many times should I forgive? Seven times?” Jesus told him to forgive 70 times 7. The point was not the number, but that we should continue to forgive without limits. That reminds me of an old saying, “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” I don’t know who said it or what he was referring to. It does express how I feel about total, unconditional, unlimited forgiveness. Am I, as a mere mortal, even capable of it? I don’t think God expects of us anything that we are not capable of, so it must be possible for me to forgive unconditionally, without limit.

There are many processes and practices for forgiving those who have hurt us, and to forgive ourselves. I have personally used several of them. The problem is that I continue to resent certain people, and it is my problem. I can easily justify all of them, if I choose to. I can decide to keep and simmer in my justified resentments because they are mine. That doesn’t sound like a very wise choice, does it? Resentment weighs on us like a backpack full of rocks. It also prevents us from receiving the good that we desire. That is worth repeating. Resentment is a barrier that prevents us from receiving the good we desire.

When we hold resentments in our heart and mind, our hearts are blocked from receiving. It’s like the mote around a castle that prevents anyone from coming in, or the walls around a fortress. Resentment is a darkness that thrives only in the presence of negative thoughts and emotions. We feed it when we think of our anger and judgment toward others. The more we nourish the dark energy of resentment with our negative thoughts about others, the bigger it gets. The wall between us and our good becomes an impenetrable force. Joy does not live in this environment.

O.K. We understand that resentment is bad for us. Now, what do we do about it? I believe I need to search my heart for my negative feelings toward others. I need to decide that I am done being angry. I have to make a conscious choice to let go of my resentments and judgments. Not just once, but daily. I have had 47 years of practice at holding onto and justifying resentments and I’ve gotten really good at it. It is an unconscious, automatic behavior. It will take more than a few days or weeks to correct this behavior. I have to pay attention to my thoughts about others and stop judgment in its tracks. If I can stop the judgment, I can prevent the resentment and subsequent justification.

In the process of changing this destructive, limiting behavior, I have to be diligent, yet gentle with myself. It will do me no good to forgive everyone else but not myself. With all that I am, I want to change. I want it so much that I am willing to do whatever it takes. The clarity to understand what I am doing to myself with judgment and resentment is a gift. It is the opportunity I needed to make real, lasting change. Now, it is up to me to practice forgiveness and release every day. This has to be a top priority if I am going to be free from this burden.

Ho’Oponopono is one of the best practices for forgiveness. I used it for a while when I first learned about it, but it became a chore and I stopped doing it. One day, I didn’t feel like forgiving someone and resentment got a foothold. After a few days of not feeling like forgiving, I stopped my daily practice. I was once again a prisoner of resentment, judgment, and justification. My attitude toward my practice of daily forgiveness has to remain positive so that I continue to do it. Even when I don’t feel like forgiving someone, especially when I don’t feel like it, I must practice forgiveness everyday. I have to remember why I’m doing it. I want to be free. I want to live in joy, not anger or bitterness. I want to be free from the burden and open enough that joy comes easily and naturally. Do I want that joy and freedom bad enough to do whatever it takes? Yes, I do!