Even Good Goodbyes Can Hurt

Letting go and moving on from something that doesn’t work is a good thing, but that doesn’t make it easy. Shared time and shared experience create bonds in the heart and mind. Even when we know that moving on is the best thing for all concerned, it can still be hard to say goodbye.

I told my husband that I want a divorce. “Irreconcilable differences” is the best way to describe our situation. We went to counseling. We communicated. We tried to change things (and by “we”, I mean “mostly me”). After four years of daily misery, I am done. I made it clear to my husband in November that I am leaving as soon as he graduates, in April. He didn’t like it, but he is wise enough not to try to hold on to someone who doesn’t want him. He loves me, but not enough to change anything. I won’t go into all the details. If I told you everything, you would ask why I waited so long to leave.

Well, as soon as I told him that my decision about divorce is final, he went out shopping for a girlfriend. He was at least honest with me that he has to have someone to take care of his kids. (My husband had three kids when we met). They met their future mom today and got a ride home with grandma so he can stay with his girlfriend.

We have talked about the next woman. I know a little about her and their plans. I am really OK with it because I don’t want to live with him, raise his children for him, or be his servant any more. Right now though, it hurts. I talked to myself while I stripped the sheets off the bed, (our bed), to wash them. “I don’t love him. I don’t want to live with him. I want this divorce. So, why am I feeling this way?” My heart is heavy and I feel like singing sad songs. The truth is, it hurts.

There, I said it. It hurts to think of my husband with another woman. We have an amazing history together that has created a bond like people who go through tragedy together. We overcame and accomplished a great deal together. Once the battles were over, there was just he and I, relating to each other as a man and a woman. We didn’t get along because we are not compatible. Our interests, goals, dreams, and beliefs are very different.

From this relationship, I am moving on to an incredible, fulfilling life. My dreams are in my hand. I have every reason to jump in with both feet, holding nothing back, but my joy and excitement are subdued by a little bit of grief for what is dying. A chapter of my life is ending, probably the most powerful, victorious, transforming chapter of my life. I did love my husband what now seems like so long ago. I guess it’s just sad when love dies.

In all honesty, I think I am also a little afraid of being lonely, of meeting jerks, and of falling in love again, and being vulnerable. I like my solitude, but eventually I will want someone to share my life with again. You won’t believe what song just started playing…”End of the Road” by Boyz II Men. The chorus has a line, “It’s unnatural. You belong to me. I belong to you.” I think that’s the heart of the matter. We got comfortable with the idea that I belong to him and he belongs to me. That was our status quo. Now, he belongs to someone else. I wish them happiness.

If you can relate to this, please leave a comment.
Jstone